If you have a beard (and I'm pretty sure that you do, because why else would you be here?), chances are that you've heard of Scotch Porter. Started as line of proprietary beard and hair-care products sold out of a barbershop in New Jersey, this brand has grown to become one of the most well known marques in the luxury beard-care game. Regularly garnering praise from bloggers, YouTubers, fashion magazines, and pretty much anybody who has tried their products, this industry juggernaut enjoys a reputation that speaks for itself. Perhaps the most highly touted product in their entire lineup is their beard conditioner, which is widely regarded as one of the best beard conditioners on the market. So since it's recieved almost universal acclaim from day one, I guess I don't really need to review it, right??? Okay...soooooo...here's a baby Yoda video instead of today's review...
...nah, just kidding, of course I'm going to review it (but seriously, if you arent watching The Mandalorian, you need to check it out). The way I see it, if nothing else I find that writing about products that have already been reviewed ad nauseum allows my readers to guage how closesly their tastes align with mine...so let's give this stuff a try and see what we think, hmmmm?
So, all of Scotch Porter's products come in one scent (although they are rolling out some new scents very soon according to the promotional email I recieved a few days ago)...While the Scotch porter website states that it's a blend of carnation, sandalwood, and musk, I've heard this scent described as "herbal", or as "root beer"...it's generally accepted that it's pretty sweet...I get a funky incense type of note that I don't quite know how I feel about. The scent is pleasant enough, but I'd stop short of saying it's "nice"...If you are of a certain age, and grew up as something of a stoner kid, you may remember the strange melange of incense, and candy, and tobacco, and just random plastic that you would always smell when you walked into those out of the way "cigarette stores" to pick up flavored rolling papers and sodapop on your way to go hang out with your friends, or whatever, and honestly, that's the closest thing I can compare the scent of this product to; a mid 2000's seedy corner store. The scent is pretty strong while showering, but, it doesn't seem to hang around too long after you step out of the shower, which is just fine by me.
How does it work?
So this is where this products reputation is truly earned. With a list of ingredients more commonly found in high end conditioners used in expensive salons, this stuff isn't playing around. marshmallow root and slippery elm bark extracts help to strengthen hair, calm skin, and provide a tremendous amount of tactile slip which helps your comb glide through your beard with a buttery smoothness. Scoop out the same amount of this stuff as you would any other conditioner (I'm not crazy about the fact that it comes in a jar, as every time I use it I notice that I'm diluting it with a drop or two of water...I'm sure there's some reason why they didn't put it into a regular bottle, but I suppose that has no bearing on performance either way, so let's move on)...work it into your beard, and then give it a few minutes to work its magic. I usually throw back a shower beer and wash the rest of my body using one of the amazing oud/lavender/rose soap bars that Barn Brand Beards made custom for me, and by then, enough time has passed. As far as conditioners go, the texture of this stuff is a bit on the heavier side, so it doesn't rinse out as easily as some, but that's not necessarily a bad thing, as I do recommend not completely rinsing your conditioner out. After stepping out of the shower, the results are instantly evident, with the exception of the absolutely amazing conditioner by Detroit Grooming, I don't think I've ever experienced a product that leaves my beard as touchably soft after just the slightest towel drying. The unbelievable healthy feel that this product imparts after every conditioning is truly the stuff of legends, I'm absolutely blown away by how great my beard feels all day long after using this stuff, no matter what oils and balm I choose to follow up with afterwords. The benefits seem to extend beyond just conditioning too, as this product brilliantly repairs the overall "blah" feeling that my beard is left with after some of my more hectic days.
The bottom line
This product could smell a little better, and the jar is a super strange choice for a product designed to use in the shower...but those are literally the only drawbacks of this awesome product! It's one thing to take the word of reviewers everywhere, but it's quite another to actually experience this stuff for yourself. This product is like a spa day for your beard, performing as good as any other conditioner you'll ever find...but beyond that, there's something so pleasurable, almost downright hedonistic about running my fingers through my ridiculously luxurious beard after using this wonderful stuff. Sporting a higher price tag than many other conditioners, this may be considered something of an extravangant purchase for some, but factoring in the large 8 ounce size, this product actually represents one of the best bargains out there. Without question, this is a product that every man with a beard needs to own!
Ingredients: Botanical Infusion of (Marshmallow Root, Slippery Elm Bark, Burdock Root, Nettle Leaf, Neem Leaf, and Chamomile Flowers in Deionized Water), Aloe Vera Juice, Behentrimonium Methosulfate (Derived from Natural Colza Oil), Organic Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea Butter), Organic Coconut Oil, Sesamum Indicum (Sesame Oil), Argan Oil, Jojoba Oil, Aleurites Moluccana (Kukui Nut) Oil, Vegetable Glycerin, Agave Nectar, Castor Oil, Emulsifying Wax, Panthenol (Vitamin B-5), Sea Kelp, Stearic Acid, Phenoxyethanol (and) Caprylyl Glycol, Fragrance
$20 at scotchporter.com